religion

Gay men and lesbians share your story of self-awareness and discovery... of that
moment of realization that... "Yes, I am gay.
Submit your coming out story: e-mail it to articles@palesbian.com

Connie 36, , PA - I first started noticing that I was different than most girls around second or third grade, (I remember having a major crush on a female teacher) but I dated guys all through high school to fit in. I even got married and had 2 kids. I always had this thing about girls but never admitted it to anyone or gave in to those feelings until I was almost 26 years old. Grow up I was quite the tomboy and even got into a fist fight once when I was about 13 because a girl on an opposing softball team called me a dike. Growing up I hung out with the guys because I liked doing everything they did, I have 3 brothers so no one ever thought too much about it.
As I mentioned I was married and have 2 kids. He was the greatest guy in the world and he gave me everything I ever wanted, but I just wasn't happy being with him and I fantasized about women constantly. We eventually divorced, but we are still good friends. I finally gave into my feelings for women when I meet a wonderful woman at work and had a 6 month affair with her. It was just so right! All those years of pushing my feelings for women to the background came to an end; I knew I could never go back to men. I ask him for a divorce shortly after the affair began and he was surprisingly understanding about it. He said he probably would have been more upset if I was leaving him for another guy. Go figure!
Shortly after my 30th birthday I met an amazing woman and and moved to the other side of the state, near Philadelphia. We have been together now for 6 years. They have been the happiest years of my life. I'm out to all my friends and co-workers where I live and my ex-husband knows, however my family doesn't know and probably never will, fortunately they live on the other side of the state so it's not that hard to "keep my little secret". I know they would never understand. I once heard my father tell a friend of his, while discussing a neighbors son who had come out, that if they were true god fearing Christians that it was their “duty” as parents of a homosexual to kill him and pray to god for forgiveness for giving such an abomination life. I’m not sure how serious he was about it, and I’d prefer not to find out.

Katie 18, Philadelphia, PA - I am 18, and as I grasp this issue of homosexuality, I realize that it is something I always knew, sort of a silent understanding with myself, but life went on, and growing up I never made it a big issue. I felt different from a very early age, but than again, I never knew was it was like to be very normal anyway, so I figure that I didn't miss much. Having an older brother guaranteed me to an adolescence of tomboy activities. Hanging out with his friends was much cooler than hanging out with dumb girls who only cared about what the boys thought anyway. The teenage years struck, with a startling result, and all of my brothers friends began to be interested in me. Not friend interested, but girlfriend interested. I had already had my slew of boyfriends... always looking for something that I suppose would never be there. Then I had my first lesbian experience, and I finally admitted to myself that I was gay. You would never know it from looking at me, which is better I suppose, because I want people to know me for who I am, not my sexual orientation. Anyway, attending a magnet art high school, where allot of the guys were openly gay, led me to finally coming out to my friends. Some of them said they had their suspicions because I never had boyfriends around, and others said they had no clue. They all took it well, and the point is, they accepted ME, That segued into me telling my brother. He accepted it in disbelief, because he always thought that everything about me was perfect. I told him that I don't see my sexuality as a curse, and that if he wanted to think everything around my life was still perfect, he could. I have yet to tell my parents. I figure I will wait until I am out of the house, either in college, or after that. Part of me thinks they already know, but that they really don't want to admit it. My parents are Catholic Republicans, very proud of my grades and talent, and constantly trying to fix me up with the "perfect" guy. I let them think that I don't have a steady boyfriend because I go to a high school where allot of the guys are gay, and that I truly love going to movies with their co-worker's sons. I do this because at this time in my life, it's easier than hurting them. I know that time will end soon enough, and that they will love me nonetheless, but until then, I keep it to myself. I am who I am, and that is enough for me.